TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be huge. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely out of area. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, confident, let us have A different place where American Adult males can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: offer you Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he ought to end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the building's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place company may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting awareness from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct Trump Tower Damascus a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

Report this page